If you care to believe it, this blog tries to make a difference in the world by dedicating itself to the Democracy, Discussion, Freedom, and Furtherment of Comedy.

The author (mainly? sometimes??) talks about Singapore, but is into all things comedy and comical. And once even seriously entertained the notion of going into stand-up comedy full-time.

This one courtesy of Comedy Central's "Joke of the Day"... (I weed out the good stuff for you guys ;)):

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!"

Labels: comedy central, Dave, jokes, strip club, trouble

Another Comedy Central "Joke of the Day" hit...

Oooolllllld Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old.

Stereotypical? :)

Labels: comedy central, jokes, lawyer, old

This is a long time coming in a series of Comedy Central's "Joke of the Day"s that were either not funny, or at best mediocre...

The popular mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

Labels: comedy central, farmer, jokes, mother-in-law, mule, popular

KFC: Our Daily Chicken

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!"

This one from Comedy Central's "Joke of the Day"... (yes, it's been a long time since we've had some really nice ones)

Labels: comedy central, jokes, KFC, our daily chicken, Pope

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

This joke courtesy of Comedy Central's Joke of the Day.... (although they call it "Helisoft" :P)

Labels: comedy central, helicopter, Helisoft, jokes, Microsoft

Fresh off the Comedy Central "Joke of the Day" machine, and meaningfully "QA-ed", and verified as "good! ;)" by yours truly....

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Labels: comedy central, father, jokes, piano, whorehouse player

Ok, Comedy Central calls this one "Three Nuns", but I thought my own naming for this one might be more suitable... I dunno - you be the judge!!!

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

Labels: comedy central, sins, three nuns, Unholy Trinity

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

Labels: comedy central, eater, grass, jokes, rich

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

---

So the latest ones from Comedy Central haven't been all that bad... ;P

Labels: comedy central, jokes

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

---

Ok, so where, exactly does this lady give her births????

Labels: comedy central, jokes

First, let's hear the joke before we talk about the theory...

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I'm a Photographer, Not a...

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

---

OK, leaving the obvious credibility problem in the joke aside (yes, I'm sorry - I'm asking you to suspend your disbelief here!!! you would think that you would recognize that a professional photographer [with all his gear and getup] when you see one....), this does serve to illustrate one common (and another perhaps not so obvious) device in comedy.

Everybody (and anybody) who's really into the "standup" of comedy will be able to know what that is - the surprise.... The problem here is, that audiences are probably so used to the regular comedy right now, that they will come to expect the usage of the "surprise" device. In fact, this device is probably so widely (cheaply??? "debased-ly"???) used nowadays that once you start telling a joke, people will come to expect it already. It's only the cleverness, (or "the twist") of the surprise that will get your audience nowdays...

Which brings us to the not so common point. Here we see the photographer getting onto the wrong plane (we sort of half expect this already - the setup is done waay ahead for us already with "He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire"....). What we may (and I use "may" here with a little bit of caution!!!) not come to expect is that in addition to the "surprise" that we expected, there is an extra little surprise in store for us as well - while the photographer may not have been expecting to get onto the wrong plane, the "pilot" may not have been "your all-time regular pilot" as well.... Call it what you will (is there a name for it????), but, this is the "extra twist" in the "surprise" there that will be needed in order to get your more jaded (or "sophisticated") audiences to laugh more readily....

Labels: comedy central, jokes, theory

You've probably heard (or rather, read) this one before, but... since I seem to be building up a rather nice collection of (mostly Comedy Central jokes) jokes around here, here's another one for the record... This time though, I didn't get it from Comedy Central - I got it from off iGoogle....

Hung Like a Horse

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Labels: comedy central, horse, hung, iGoogle, jokes

this latest one from Comedy Central is quite interesting... ;P

Gorilla Control

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

Labels: animal control, comedy central, gorilla, jokes

A Nutty Game

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

Labels: a nutty game, comedy central, jokes, peanuts

In-Laws and Out-Laws

What's the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Out-laws are wanted.

Labels: comedy central, in-laws, jokes, out-laws

TiVo

Yo mama so fat when she stepped in front of the TV, I missed two episodes.

(exactly as sent to me - joke title, grammatical error in sentence [can u spot it? ;)]... There's something about these "yo mama's so fat" jokes...)

Labels: comedy central, jokes, yo mama

again, from Comedy Central. A bit misnamed (yet again), but oh well...

Lawyer... Genius

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

Labels: comedy central, jokes, lawyer, your honor

here's making "the worst" of a bad situation... courtesy Comedy Central. Title is as is, although really, somebody ought to "tidy up" those joke titles... I mean... "Drunken Man and Blonde"???? And this isn't as if it's the first time a joke has been incorrectly (or inaccurately) named. Oh well.

Drunken Man and Blonde

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Labels: blonde, comedy central, jokes

What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?

The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.

Labels: comedy central, jokes, lawyer, lawyers, leech, leeches

This one's called "Uncle Ted's Morals", but really, i would prefer to call it "The Moral of the Story" (or "Uncle Ted"):

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.

The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Labels: comedy, comedy central, jokes, uncle ted, uncle ted's morals