Dave in trouble
This one courtesy of Comedy Central's "Joke of the Day"... (I weed out the good stuff for you guys ;)):
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!"
Labels: comedy central, Dave, jokes, strip club, trouble
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"Normal"
What is "normal" to most of us? Normal is...
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
- Ellen Goodman
Labels: Ellen Goodman, jokes, normal, quote of the day, quotes
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One-Way Trichet?
(via IdleBanter August 2008):
Making his way toward Paris one day in 1524, the impecunious French humanist and writer Francois Rabelais found himself stranded at a country inn with no means to continue his journey, never mind to pay his bill.
He assembled three small packets - labeled "Poison for the King," "Poison for Monsieur," and "Poison for the Dauphin" - and left them wehere the innkeeper was sure to see them. When the man duly informed the police, Rabelais was promptly arrested and brought to Paris for questioning. The packets were soon examined and found to be empty, whereupon Rabelais explained his plight and was immediately released, having completed his trip at no expense.
Making his way toward Paris one day in 1524, the impecunious French humanist and writer Francois Rabelais found himself stranded at a country inn with no means to continue his journey, never mind to pay his bill.
He assembled three small packets - labeled "Poison for the King," "Poison for Monsieur," and "Poison for the Dauphin" - and left them wehere the innkeeper was sure to see them. When the man duly informed the police, Rabelais was promptly arrested and brought to Paris for questioning. The packets were soon examined and found to be empty, whereupon Rabelais explained his plight and was immediately released, having completed his trip at no expense.
Labels: French, IdleBanter, jokes, Rabelais
Oooolllllld Lawyer
Another Comedy Central "Joke of the Day" hit...
Stereotypical? :)
Oooolllllld Lawyer
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old.
Stereotypical? :)
Labels: comedy central, jokes, lawyer, old
The popular mule
This is a long time coming in a series of Comedy Central's "Joke of the Day"s that were either not funny, or at best mediocre...
The popular mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Labels: comedy central, farmer, jokes, mother-in-law, mule, popular
Marital Counseling
This, is a bit about expectations, and "set" mindsets...
A husband and wife went for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable; an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Labels: counseling, jokes, kiss, marriage, therapist
KFC: Our Daily Cheekeen (Chicken)
KFC: Our Daily Chicken
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!"
This one from Comedy Central's "Joke of the Day"... (yes, it's been a long time since we've had some really nice ones)
Labels: comedy central, jokes, KFC, our daily chicken, Pope
"Helisoft" - or, "how to know it when you're in la-la land...."
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
This joke courtesy of Comedy Central's Joke of the Day.... (although they call it "Helisoft" :P)
Labels: comedy central, helicopter, Helisoft, jokes, Microsoft
the 2 stone statues in the temple in Singapore
as seen elsewhere: (don't hit the messenger!!! ;))
Now I wonder who thought that up... Very creative, I say!!! ;P
An American tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed two statues of a man and a woman by the altar.
He asked the monk what was the significance of the two. The monk explained that in the Chinese system of yin and yang, positives must always be balanced by negatives, and having the two statues ensured that the universal balance was maintained.
"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin."
"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.
In a hushed voice, the monk said, "This one is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew."
Now I wonder who thought that up... Very creative, I say!!! ;P
Labels: Goddess of Mercy, jokes, Kuan Yin, monk, Singapore, temple, tourist
My Father, The Whorehouse Piano Player
Fresh off the Comedy Central "Joke of the Day" machine, and meaningfully "QA-ed", and verified as "good! ;)" by yours truly....
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you're first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy''s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy''s father said, "I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Labels: comedy central, father, jokes, piano, whorehouse player
Of catfish and lawyers
Gopalan Nair has been talking, and posting a fair bit (and giving his piece of mind!) about Singapore lawyers recently to the Sg_Review yahoogroup. And guess what joke I should stumble upon today than a "catfish-and-lawyer" joke.... ;P
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.
Labels: catfish, Gopalan Nair, jokes, lawyers, sg_review
Talking in a foreign accent
What happens, uh, when you-uh taalk-a, in a foreign-uh acccccent-uh? Well, wonderuh no-uh mooore-uh....
Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
you know you're old when...
old memories really bring you back! I can't believe I've never actually recorded this joke here, but...
Oh yeah - and when you don't remember stuff from before as well.
The Aging Explorer
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"
Oh yeah - and when you don't remember stuff from before as well.
Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
Labels: comedy central, eater, grass, jokes, rich
Squirrels and Churches
The holiday season is here; time for some "churchey" jokes... :P
There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
This post is not sponsored by anybody, but by your author's own precious time, special effort, and hard work.
Don't Leave 'Em Hanging
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
So the latest ones from Comedy Central haven't been all that bad... ;P
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
So the latest ones from Comedy Central haven't been all that bad... ;P
Labels: comedy central, jokes
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Stoopid Baby Names
A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
Ok, so where, exactly does this lady give her births????
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
Ok, so where, exactly does this lady give her births????
Labels: comedy central, jokes
This post is not sponsored by anybody, but by your author's own precious time, special effort, and hard work.